As I was scanning my news feed on Facebook I came across this article which contained words that people feel, but have a hard time explaining, and one word stuck out to me. Monachopsis: the subtle, but persistent feeling of being out of place. I would like to say that I feel like I belong all the time, but sometimes that just isn’t true. Sometime I feel like I am just floating along in this unknown and not even sure if I am on the right path or not. However, I like to take this feeling and think about maybe I get this because I don’t belong here on Earth. My eternal home is in heaven with my maker. To be forever praising him! How beautiful is that! Your own mind longs so much for Heaven that sometimes you feel out of place. Sure, it is a hard feeling to fight, because we are living this life right now, doing things that are pleasing to Him in the here and now, and we have to wait until He calls us, but at the same time I am often caught awestruck by what will be.
Lately it’s been a blur of self esteem, self worth and just feeling plain overwhelmed breakdowns. Something simple like seeing how I look in a certain shirt brings full on tears. For weeks I have been asking myself why do I keep doing this?, what is wrong with me?, why can’t I get myself together?, but today it occurred to me to ask a different question. What am I not trusting in God? What lie am I telling myself over and over?, and now I’m starting to see a different answer. My question before of “what’s wrong with me?” just kept bringing more lies: you’re weak, you’re worthless, you can’t keep up with real life. But, what am I not trusting? I’m not trusting that God has a plan and will make things work out, He won’t leave me without what I need. He will help to provide the money for college if that is His plan for me. I however keep doubting that I won’t have enough money to get through, I won’t be able to find a job at school, I won’t I won’t I won’t. What I realized is I need to start telling myself I won’t, but He will. HE WILL! I have been overwhelming myself with day after day of work and no days off, no time to spend with family or friends because I have been so worried that He won’t provide. I then started to ask myself, when hasn’t he provided? When I needed something or asked for something when has he not come through? Maybe not in the way I expect it, but never has he left me without the tools to carry out His will. I have been blessed beyond measure, and sometimes that is so hard to see when I overload my head with pure lies.
Matthew 6: 25-34
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.