The name Kathryn came from my great grandma. Carrying the name of my great grandma has always made me strive to be what I knew of her, and to be honest that wasn’t much from my own memory. The objects and thoughts that came to mind were things I heard from other people. Pears- from her and my aunt in the pear tree. Fluffy- the poodle she had that I never met. Tea sets- from the set sitting on my grandmas mantle. Then I started to try to think of my own memories.. tobacco- from the cigars she and Pop would smoke on the porch. Amish- from the valley she lived in, and will always remain my favorite spot to be. Smocks- for the clothes I remembered her wearing in the nursing home. Quilts- for the one that I thought was so beautiful that covered her fragile body. And the worst memory death… my first death I can remember. A couple days after we got the news I remember it hit me, the woman I was named after just passed away and I hardly had a clue on who she was. I can remember kissing her face before they closed the casket and trying desperately not cry over the feeling that I just lost who I was supposed to be.
I clung to what people told me she was, and trying to relate her personality to mine, dedicated, stubborn, creative, independent, strong. My fear was to take her name and to be someone far from her. The fact is, I got so wrapped up in trying to be someone I hardly had a memory of that I often forgot to be me. I often feared who I could be, it seemed much safer and easier to relate off what others said was a honorable woman. Recently I realized that I don’t have to be what I chalked up to be a perfect person, I can be me and still be accepted, and I learned this through accepting Christ in to my life. Even though my great grand mother carried character traits that I desired, I just had to let myself realize that I in-fact had a lot of those character traits naturally without fighting myself to be that person. I am Kathryn Anne Adams, not Martha Kathryn Bigelow. I will never know her quite like my grandma and my aunts and my dad, but I know that whoever I am will make her proud. I am the great grand daughter of my mimi, but that doesn’t make me my great grandma and that’s okay.